Death is such a heavy topic; a topic that, for most, will never comprehend. So many questions follow a death; we ask these questions as if the answers will change the outcome: why them? if only I was there? Guilt and regret hit next. We tend to look back on all of the things that we wish we said and done or didn’t say or do. And then the pain hits knowing we will never see them or hear them again, here on earth. We cry and mourn for the future that was robbed of them, we hurt for the loved ones that also hurt with us, and we wish that we could have one last moment with that person, one last hug, one more, “I love you.” Although I put these emotions in an order, they seem to almost hit so close together and so fast that it’s almost all simultaneously. One of the hardest questions to deal with, at least for me, is, “what’s next?”

I am a Christain girl and have faith in the Lord; I believe that our loved ones who pass away, who carried faith in God and a had good heart, while they lived here on Earth, will open their eyes in the presence of God. During these times though, I tend to question things a bit. I don’t know if that’s natural, sinful and against God’s wishes, or if I am self-consciously seeking reassurance….. maybe it’s all of the above. How does it all work? Do we take our last breath and wake up in Heaven? Maybe take our last breath and stick around a while until we reach the time to departure to Heaven? Are we greeted by God, maybe a loved one who has already passed….. or are we alone, left to walk up a flight of stairs for judgement?

Once we get to Heaven and receive our new form, are we so altered to perfection that we lose who we were? I feel like perfecting a conscious of what was, will never be again. I’d like to think that I will see my loved ones again, their same funny, loving selves. Sometimes that may involve a sinful version of what they once were. What does our new form look like? Is it our conscious that makes up our spirit, is that what goes in the form of a cloud, or is it a ghost like figure of ourselves?

Do they come down and visit us, or is that forbidden? Can they give us signs that they are ok and made it? Or does God do that for them while they enjoy the Heavenly life. No pain exists in Heaven, are they not sad that we are left behind to mourn for our loss?

There’s just so many questions that follow. Questions that only God and his Angels know the answer to. The bible carries answers to a high level of certain questions, but I guess majority of our curiosities are always going to be one of those things that just kind of linger and we have to leave to faith.

I lost my little brother to a City of Manteca dump truck last week. I honestly don’t know how I am able to sit here and blog about it without falling apart; this is like my 5th or 6th time visiting this forum to finish this entry. I have been a hot mess one minute and numb the next. There’s really no one way to go about mourning over a loss; everyone handles it differently from the other. I find myself a lot in denial, as if this is not real, as if my phone is going to ring and it’s going to be him on the other end of the line. Accepting his death has been a mind game. I know he’s no longer here with us, but a part of my brain is telling me that this is one big nightmare.

I have been the one in charge in handling everything so far, I’m honestly not sure if I am thankful for this or not. It has been keeping my mind busy and off of what I feel I should have it geared towards, the loss of my brother. The moment that the day slows down, I tend to break down and lose it; evenings have been the worse. I am honestly not sure that I want the pain to go away, I feel like if the pain starts to fade, then maybe that is me losing what grip that I have for him. Silly, right?

Death is such a hard one to swallow; a concept that I more than likely will never understand, does anyone ever really understand it? We’re here one day and gone the next. The world never pauses or feels bad enough to allow us time to mourn for those that we lose. It’s been two weeks now since my brother’s passing, and today was the first time that I got myself to a grocery store to buy food for my kids. My point is, even if we don’t understand death, it’s coming for us and all of our loved ones at one point or another, and there is nothing that we can do about it. Life continues as so with or without us. What do we do and how do we handle it? One day at a time I guess, family, friends…. loved ones, and GOD! Faith keeps me going, as hard as the pain hurts, I have faith that I will see my brother again; my brother and my mom! I don’t know exactly how it all works, but I have faith that faith works!

I wonder how people without faith get through the hardest times in life like these. What mends their hearts? Do they just figure, “well, life continues-see you never!” Now that is painful!! I would much rather live life by faith and walking by God, then not walking by God to find out that I lived my life in agony, missing my loved ones with the thought of never seeing them again and at the end of the road that he is REAL and then being dammed to eternity of pain.